With Jessica's surgery fast approaching, and her community and media exposure steadily expanding, interest in her story started to increase as she neared the 100-day mark. In mid-October, 2007, she was approached by Marie Claire South Africa to run a sidebar interview along with a transgender feature in their April 2008 issue. And just a few days later, she was contacted by a friend who said that Elliot from DC101 (her original interviewer) wanted to do a followup interview. She agreed, and the following day, was not only interviewed live on the air, but also answered some questions directly from callers. [The audio recording of the interview with Jessica McKinnon on DC101's Elliot in the Morning from October 25, 2007, is now available for listening online and for direct download]
Jessica suspected that the time would probably pass very quickly, but she completely underestimated just how fast the time passed her by. Before she knew it, she was celebrating her last birthday 74 days before she would legally become female (and how perfectly coincidental, since she was born in 1974). It was a very special birthday for her, as she got to spend it with Devin and the kids. Her last two birthdays had been somewhat depressing, but this one was uplifting as she got to play stepmom for most of the day. The kids welcomed her, as always, with open arms, running up to the door to greet her. Devin had ordered take-out, and included a birthday candle with dessert. It was the perfect lazy day with the family. She even got to share a rather special moment with the youngest of the boys (15 months old), when she discovered how much he loved to plonk his fingers on the piano, something that was always something that Jessica remembers from when she was very young herself. Seeing the three boys in their various stages of development (1, 3, and 4 years old) reminded her of how she was about to pass another major milestone in her own life.
Just short of two weeks later, with just 62 days to go, it was time for her company's big holiday ball. And what an affair that was. Unfortunately, Devin was unable to make it, but that didn't stop Jessica from having the time of her life. Jessica had picked out the perfect dress for the occasion, and she felt like a princess walking into the banquet hall that had been transformed into a spectacular winter wonderland--a fitting reminder of how much she had changed herself over the previous two years. Everything was perfect--from the decorations, to the food and wine, to the band, to the dancing... Yes, Jessica finally got to dance and really let loose as herself for the very first time, and loved every minute of it. She was pleasantly surprised by how much more she enjoyed dancing now than she always used to back in her days before the transition. She was even more surprised at how many of her male coworkers seemed comfortable dancing close to her on the dancefloor. It was truly a magical evening that went by far too quickly. At the afterparty, a somewhat less formal setting, the evening continued well into the early hours of the morning. Jessica was thrilled to be so accepted by her coworkers, and it reminded her of how lucky she was that her transition at work had gone so smoothly.
Two more weeks went by in a flash as she tried to get as much work done as she could before she knew that she would inevitably be overcome by the excitement and her productivity would most likely decline rapidly as the big day approached. It was on the last day of those two weeks, on her last day in the office before taking a short vacation for the holidays, that it suddenly hit her. On day 49, with exactly 7 weeks to go before she would go under the knife, the reality of it all came crashing down upon her like a ton of bricks, and she was completely overcome with emotion. She spent most of the day reflecting on her life, and on how wonderful everything had finally turned out so far after all those years of inner conflict. Her friends at work comforted her and reassured her that she'd get through the next few weeks okay, and that she just had to try to relax, and not try to push herself as much as she had a tendency to do. Perfectly timed, her two year anniversary with MAGIC (her support group) was that evening, and for a change, she took the opportunity to discuss the inner excitement with the group, which also helped her tremendously.
The following morning, Jessica spoke with her mom (as she always does on Saturday mornings), and had a good heart-to-heart chat about things. While her mom was still struggling with the reality of it all herself, Jessica was still very proud of how far her mother had come to accept her as a daughter in such a short time. It felt like far more than just over two years that had gone by since she first came out to her mom while on that very same phone, on the very same sofa. Everything just felt right, albeit chaotic at the same time.
During the week that followed, Jessica started having a series of hysterically funny dreams that went a long way to reassure her that she was ready, both consciously and subconsciously, for the surgery and the challenges that would follow. Two of those dreams, though, stood out for her as having particular significance:
In the first dream, at T minus 44 days and counting, Jessica dreamt that she was driving towards a very familiar traffic intersection. The particular corner was significant as a number of very happy childhood memories centered there (as a child, her favorite family Sunday lunch would include the most delicious rotisserie chicken that you ever tasted, that they always purchased from the store located on that corner). Now it was on this particular day that the traffic was moving slowly because of a seemingly bizarre traffic pattern change. It appeared that even though there were no clearly visible obstructions or signs directing the vehicles moving in the opposite direction, they all seemed to see a need to traverse a very tricky path alongside oncoming traffic on the opposite side of the road. One thing that was clear on each of the drivers’ faces as they passed by, was that this was simply something that they needed to do. Jessica was interested to see how far they were traveling in this manner, so she turned to look behind her. She was relieved to see that this traffic impediment only lasted for a single block, after which the drivers drove away unimpeded on to their destinations in the normal manner.
When Jessica woke up from this first dream, she was amazed by the level of detail that she recalled, and so she thought about it for a few minutes, and decided that the store on the corner represented her childhood wish to change her body to the way that it always should have been. She was so very nearly at that intersection (or, more ironically, ‘intersexion’), with just 44 days to go until her surgery. The drivers traveling in the opposite direction all represented those girls from TrinidadSupport—the online peer support group for present, future, and prospective patients of Dr. Marci Bowers— who had so graciously taken the time to document their experiences in painstaking detail each day, before admission, in hospital, and after being discharged, for others like Jessica who would soon be taking the trip themselves. What was common to all accounts, though, is that despite the temporary inconveniences, they were all able to quickly return to their lives, and “head on home to enjoy their chicken.”
In the second dream, with just 42 days to go, Jessica dreamt the she had just woken up after surgery, and while she was still feeling very loopy from the drugs, she was conscious enough to know that the surgery was over and that she was now on the road to recovery. While lying there in her drug-induced bliss, she became curious and decided to take a peek under the covers. She carefully pulled back the bandages, and to her horror, her penis was still there, but lying there limp with an incision all the way around just under the head of the penis (one of the first incisions of the procedure). In a flat panic, Jessica jumped out bed, and ran around the hospital, dragging along her IV and drains and other things still attached to her, desperately looking for Marci. After a few minutes, she finally ran into Marci, breathless. Still in a bit of a haze, crying profusely, Jessica asked why the procedure had been stopped midway. Marci smiled, and placed a reassuring arm around her, saying, “Oh, that is nothing to worry about. In fact, it is fairly normal. What you are seeing is simply a residual cached copy of an image in your memory. You were probably just semi-conscious when the operation began and that was the last thing you saw before you were finally unconscious. To work around the problem, and to see what is currently there, all you need to do is hit the Refresh button in your browser.” Being a bit of a geek, Jessica could not believe that she hadn’t thought of that rather obvious, simple solution herself before running around the hospital in a panic. So while looking down at her groin, she reached over to the keyboard (hey, this was a dream, it was just there, okay?), and hit the F5 key, and suddenly everything was the way that it should have been all along. Jessica smiled and shed some happy tears as she thanked Dr. Bowers for everything, before heading back to her recovery ward.
Jessica woke up after this second dream, only to find that someone had called her cellphone and left a message an hour before. It was Robin, from Marci Bowers’ office calling to give her good news regarding her insurance. Jessica excitedly called Robin, and heard that they had received the surgical precertification necessary to show that the insurance would cover the full hospital bill, as well as a significant portion of Marci's own portion as the surgeon. Jessica also related the dream to Robin, who had a good chuckle about it, and said that it was a good indicator that her subconscious mind had found a way to reconcile some of the presurgical conflict that everyone experiences beforehand.
Thanks for reading the story so far. [Coming Soon: a new chapter covering preparation for surgery, the surgery experience, and the aftermath.]